Medication: Fluoxetine
Started: 28th September 2010

I haven't had any meds since last Wednesday night. I've been sleeping alot still, but when I'm awake, I actually feel more awake than when I'd been taking them. I'm also able to think, and focus more. Which is great. Because when I'm unable to think/focus, I feel like I'm losing my mind a little bit.

But... I got in such a stupid state lastnight... and I don't know if I'd have been as bad if I'd still been taking the meds. I'm now afraid, and upset, that I probably need them...

And now I can't find my perscription. Which means I'll have to wait 'til my appointment on Wednesday this week to get another one.

I just feel so defeated... I don't like that I might be dependant on these... I don't want to need them...

Fluoxetine made me very ill. Don't start thinking like that, some people just have a knack for making people feel like that. This has no bearing on you, trust me. If this had happened while you were taking them, you would've been worse.

Of course I forgot to take into account that medication affects people differently from others, so that is only one possibility. I saw the comment on this on your LJ and realised that that is also very possible >_<

I'm so tired... the meds are really kicking me again. I feel so exhausted. And when I'm laying in bed in the mornings, my body feels almost like dead-weight. Moving really does feel close to impossible sometimes. I'm not even sure how I managed to get up this morning, but it wasn't without a two hour lay-in, I can tell you.

I'm always hesitant to sleep now, because it's the waking up and getting up that's the really hard part. It's like, once my body's stopped, it just doesn't want to get started again.

I'm finding it very hard not to slip back into depression with everything that's going on.

As one or two of you may know, i have been diagnosed as Bi polar
However, seeing some new doctor the other day, he now seems to think it may be something else.
So im having to go through all the same phychiatric tests as i did before, and being sent for other tests i never had to do such as blood tests.
The NHS really are thick though.
I got sent some questionaire i have to fill out and send back.. and one of the questions makes me die.
A19: Do you ever aviod certain situations because of a fear of certain objects or activities? (Such as animals, needles, blood, being in confined spaces, diving or flying)
Well... lets see shall we? You guys sent me for a blood test last week that i still havent been for becaus eim petrified. I avoid all social gatherings in the countryside, and avoid seieng essentailly the only family i hve left in irelaand because of a ridiculous phobia of cows and they all live on a farm.
So on a scale of 1-10..i think i'd say a 10?

I hate these assessemnts. They always make me feel so damn weak.

I am not happy tonight. I finally found out the meaning to something some little cow had said to me, regarding Kaze being my "forced boyfriend". Neither of us knew what she was going on about, so we both asked her. But she didn't bother replying.

It was mentioned in conversation to someone else tonight (a personal friend of her's), and I found out exactly what she meant, and where she got such an evil idea from.

Basically, someone (that thorn I've mentioned before) apparently told her friend, and her boyfriend at the time, that I bully Kaze into staying with me. And that my suicidal threats are just that: threats with no purpose other than to keep him trapped.

Hence my most recent status on Facebook: "You know what? All you people who think my depression isn't genuine, like it's just a game or something: Go f*ck yourselves.".

Kaze knows me a hell of alot better than that. He knows I'd been diagnosed, and had suicidal tendencies way before I even met him. He knows it's not bullshit, or a tool, or a game. And he knows I don't want him to stay with me for any reason other than love.

I've questioned him over this several times. I'll also confront the person behind these vicious lies when I next see her online. And I'll remind her that it was him who chased me, and him who asked me to come back to him after I left and went back to my hometown after a breakdown.

He was the one who kept texting me, and I made no threats of harming myself in any way. He had his "clean break" and he could've left it like that. But he realised he didn't want to lose me. He did so off his own back, with no influence from anyone else; including me.